From Evernote:

Convergence

Things often converge in surprising ways.

My fear, potent as it has been and often continues to be, is shifted somehow.

Last week, a conference opened doors, and simultaneously bright new friendships, a sense of belonging, something uncommon in my life.

Immediately afterwards, I spent a few days with a cherished mentor, listening, learning, sharing time and space.  The simplicity of that individual's life was wonderful. And what was working in the background did not appear until a week later.

"Open up space for that". That's what my therapist said during a somewhat difficult session. We had been talking about why I felt so uplifted after that visit, it eluded me as to why.

We talked about always being asked for something* and I realized that I've been asked for something most of my life. She used the word "settling" and I started to cry, and I understood that to mean that I've settled in the sense of accepted that others could ask and expect me to be someone, to do something, to behave in some way that others expect, to, in essence, relinquish myself, give myself up, to the wants, needs, definitions of others.

And I realized then that I've done this for most of my life.

I realized that what happened in that short visit was that I was around someone who not only knew all about asking, but did not ask, did not expect, in the way I have lived for so long.

And that's when she suggested that I needed to make space for that, for myself.  

I've heard all of it before but somehow it landed differently.  Open up space for me, for my own needs. It feels.... Revolutionary.

Somehow, something is working in me differently.  I still feel the fear, but its strangely easier to step back from, to nudge away, to simply be with. It's there, but it is not me.

And then, this morning, an odd moment of convergence.  Someone I did not know at all sat down and we started to talk and share. And the exchange of energetic presence was there. I knew. They knew. 

I have a clear focus now, very clear, where I need to go, what I need to do, how to move forward. 

* the footnote. Asking is something I've always placed in the context of "ask for what you want".  I'm not good at it. But here, what I realized was that being asked presented asking in a totally different light. That learning that you are being asked can present a lot of problems and challenges if you do not understand it, you do not understand that you are being asked and do not know how to step away from it.  

Need

"Need" is a funny thing, not easy to untangle.

I have "needs", the basic ones are obvious. If I imagine a kind a spectrum of needs, the basics would be at one end. As I move across that, the degree of need, the "how much I really need that" factor, decreases. So at the opposite end are a lot of material things and some of the things that are possible ethereal.

It's that area just after basics that hard to untangle. If I say I "need" something - whether a thing or some other aspect of living a life - it's not always apparent to me how to "get" that need met. if part of that particular need (assuming it is not material) is unmet, to what extent is my life somehow impoverished, made worse, or more difficult? Does that suggest, then, that what I have on that list of not-so-basic-but-certainly-not-required needs is not to be achieved?

Some examples might help.

Goddesses: a footnote

I also realized something else about this as a process. Many times, it is all about letting it happen. Just letting go and letting whatever it is happen on its own.

I had this experience this past weekend when I realized, 15 minutes away, I had forgotten the all important gate key! It was late, not dark, but late enough, and I know in the past my first reaction has often been "OMFG I AM DOOMED" or similar words! But this time I had the presence of mind to simply remind myself that I had many alternatives and all would be well. And indeed, it was. I got to that gate and there was someone already there, letting another in, and I was able to go right through (with a thank you).

And on the way out, after getting a spare key, I took my time and... voila. Someone - the same person! - at that gate going out and I was able to drive right through.

I let it happen. It worked. The goddess did provide. I believed in myself.

Goddesses and fear

I'm facing down a major change in my own life.

I've spent the larger part of it in the "usual way": work, home, family. In short, I've capitulated to the forces I was raised to take at face value, indeed if I ever was even aware of some of these. A "work ethic" is instilled in very subtle ways, and we are not given a chance to analyze it in part because, I think, the primary component has to do with doing good work, NOT with how that approach to life can be damaging (and for some I suspect it is not damaging at all).

But as the years roll by, that toll grows. And when I reach the point I am at now, pushing back against that is really hard to do. Now, instead of "do the best work you can", I need to recognize that that is not the central issue, and instead recognize that "work is not my life". That's the rub.

I try and (re)connect with the Goddess a lot. It's not, of course, that magical mysterious persona in the heavens, but rather it's about how much I can believe in myself, my abilities, my strength.

And I dream. I realized this past weekend that I would be able to spend 1 or 2 weeks continuously in the Adirondacks once my "regular" job is done. I haven't done that since I was 13 years old. Wow. And I also realized this morning that it would feel SO different to live without fear. Imagine the possibilities.

And that fear? That's the insidious aspect of a work ethic. Work hard? Sure. Love what you do? Essential! Live outside of that work? As much as you can to the extent that work is not deeply fulfilling.

Broken

It was striking, tonight, to see such an open presentation of brokeness. I don't mean it in any derogatory way, but rather a kind of open vulnerability that played out in unusual ways and left me not with a lack of empathy but a sad recognition that this, THIS, is the state of the species H. Sapiens. Has it always been thus?

Does the pain we manifest remain a constant in other places and other times? I wondered what it might have been like 100 years ago, just here, in this land. Before Welbutrin and the flock of anxiety, pain, alleviating substances.

Things like this give me pause.

I'm reminded in my shallowlands of my own quick judgements of others, not this weakness - I have that too - but my tendency to see the sometimes obvious limitations.

But mostly I am saddened, frustrated, feeling like I need to try and reach others here, to pull them past this awful ditch they are trapped in. To remind them that they can step past it if they WANT to.

And then I remember: I can't do any of that. It's not my place. And I can't alter trajectories.... even when I deeply want to.

All I can do is be the best person I can, and quietly listen, see if there is anything I can share of myself that might bring a spark of good, relief, to another.

It feels so... short.

The Goddess Will Provide

Over the past several weeks, I have had some unusual things happen that have led me to this idea. The happenings were not unusual in the sense of UFOs or that sort of thing. In fact, they were somewhat mundane in the scope of things. But it's the way they happened that drew my attention.

Basically what happened is that I let go. I was engaged in something (planning, cooking, doing, activity) and in the course of it all, I stopped and realized that I was feeling some anxiety perhaps over the outcome. What happened that was odd is that in a lot of cases, I also managed - somehow - to recognize that I could let go, let it simply happen, not worry or fret about the result or outcome. And then what happened was.... nothing. It all worked.

The various happenings, while not ones that, had the result gone wrong, resulted in something really serious, were complicated. In one case (just today) there was certainly a possibility of dangerous outcome (I could conceivably gotten hurt badly if I had missed or made a mistake). But they worked. In essence, everything turned out fine.

I recall at the first one, I was simply pleasantly surprised (it was a complicated dinner). The second one (VERY tight airline connections) left me well, breathless? Amazed? And it was somewhere in between I hit on this idea of 'The Goddess Will Provide'. I have no idea where I first heard it. I think it was from a dear friend. But I recall that I first was... skeptical. I'm not one to take a lot of woo woo stuff as a road to truth. But I was .... challenged by the fact that these things happened.

Then I realized something important: that idea, the goddess will provide, has NOTHING to do with goddesses or divine intervention or anything like that. It has EVERYTHING to do with a belief in myself. And not simply a case of "I can do this" or "I'm worthy" or "I'm good enough". It's more than that. It's about trust. It's about learning to trust myself. To trust that I somehow can and will get through something and it will work out. IT may not be the way I expected, planned or even wanted, but it somehow works itself out. It's an ability, I think, to let myself go to the point of knowing that something in me, in conjunction with others and other events and things, will resolve.

It's sobering.